The inner calling asks for the truth (3 min read)
This week a close friend of mine leaned in, looked deep into my eyes, and asked, “Are you happy? Now that your daughter is better, are you happy?” I found myself at a loss. A great big pause ensued. Why was it so hard to answer? Suddenly I found myself analyzing what it would mean to say yes. Does it mean I have to always be feeling good? What is it for you?
For those of you who don’t yet know me, I am coming out of a very difficult several years with my daughter who recovered traumatic memories at the age of 13 and spiraled down a dark path of self-harm and drug abuse immediately following. She was in and out of hospitals and eventually landed in a long-term residential treatment center to recover. Today, she is 17 and she is well on her way to being a thriving, creative, complex adult. She has lost innocence but gained self-awareness. She is alive.
I did not wake up today in a panic and run to her room to make sure I could still hear her breathing. I did not run through the scenario where I have a conversation with her baby brother about, “Where’s sister?” I did not panic when I told her to clean her room out of fear she would respond by hurting herself “at me.”
But are you happy? Now that your daughter is better?
I don’t know. The spinning has slowed and yet I’m still figuring out who I am in all this. I’m still working off of lists that remind me to take care of myself. I’m still hurting that any of this, all of this, could have ever occurred. That we live in a world where children are hurt by people they trust.
One day I’ll share more, if you want to hear, but just for today, yes. Yes, I’m happy. I’m happy that I woke up and got to meditate. I’m happy that my little boy who is four years old is sleeping peacefully in his own bed. I’m happy that I have incredible friends who sit across from me and really check in to know if I’m okay. I’m happy that my daughter has a life with friends and work and art included. I’m happy that when she wakes up she will grumble about not wanting to go to school but then she will drag herself out of bed and hug her mama.
I wanted to write today about the inner calling. I’ve been waking up every morning over the last week and asking myself, What am I called to do now? Am I still listening to the inner calling? What is it telling me to do? Where do I go now?
Yes, I still hear the call and it’s telling me, Be here, right now. In a happy state? Maybe. Or simply here. Noticing the blessings in my life, the moments of joy. Knowing that it can disperse like dust in the wind on a day you get unwanted news. Grateful for every uneventful, ordinary day filled with typical moments. The calling says, Stay right here. This is where there is hope and joy to be had. Then you can go meet life and see what happens.
Are you happy? What would you say?
