Maybe we don’t. (3 min read)
How do we pass on wisdom to young ones?
Yesterday was Book Club at work and I asked a few of my colleagues, all of whom are parents like me, to share their experience with passing on what they have learned to their kids. We were wrapping up our read of Brianna Wiest’s 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, a collection of truths about living in the moment, choosing our thoughts, and taking personal responsibility. Having recently got into an argument with my 17-year-old daughter about redirecting her focus to what she can control rather than on all the things over which she feels powerless, I wanted to know: When you see your kid suffering because she’s not seeing clearly, how do you get them to see?
You don’t, of course. We earn wisdom by overcoming challenges and living life, rarely by people telling us how. I was brought to a place of desperation time and again before I decided I had a choice to face the hard stuff head on and work through it if I wanted a chance at peace. People telling me to stop being so tough on myself didn’t stop me from being tough on myself. It was only after I was tired of how much I was hurting from beating myself up that I even thought to learn self-compassion. It takes practice, time, and discipline until better behavior becomes a habit. Even with adult awareness and repeated reminders to stay awake in my own life, I forget all the time.
We all know you can’t fix and change people, yet I still sometimes want to download wisdom into my daughter’s brain. I want her to open her beautiful eyes and see the truth–that she is a powerful force of change. That she holds sovereignty in her own life. That she can choose how she reacts to people, places and things even if she doesn’t have control over them.
My colleagues shared some great ideas: hold space and let her feel all her feelings before you attempt to help her see that she is capable of working through the situation. Remember that they feel like they have no control because for their whole lives they have been told what to do by parents, teachers, and other authority figures. If they didn’t obey the rules, they suffered consequences. In their experience, they have very little control.
Our kids are their own people. I have so much less influence over my children than I imagined I would in my early twenties when I longed to be a mama and give birth to a little girl. My daughter has her own story, her own timing, her own outcomes. And while I believe that I see her soul’s purpose, and see how very important her voice is to the world, it may take her decades to feel a sense of that within.
It’s challenging to witness and lovingly detach from how she manages her feelings and her actions when I am frustrated and feel helpless. But that’s my work. To improve my mental discipline, check myself, and pause to do self-care when I’m not managing reactions well myself.
I don’t know that there is a passing on of wisdom. Maybe we all simply hold space for the up and coming souls in this world to live their inner calling, to stumble into finding it, to let go if they never do. I’ll end with a quote. I can’t credit the author because it was sent to me by a trusted friend, but whoever shared it, thank you.
I learned three things this year: To leave people where they are at, to accept situations for what they are, and that not every action needs a reaction.
How do you get centered when faced with helplessness? How do you accept people, especially your kids, for exactly who they are?
