Cultivating presence between flow-states
Can one wait for circumstances to change while also being whole and happy in this moment?
We spend a lot of time waiting in life. Waiting for our name to be called, waiting for the next episode to be released, waiting for the work day to end. Waiting for the kids to outgrow this phase, waiting to be discovered or seen, waiting for someone to become what we know they can be.
I get up early so I have time to plant seeds for the future I’m waiting for. But while I am waiting for the seeds to sprout and strengthen, how am I right now? Am I the most self-expressed version of me? Or am I harboring a strength for tomorrow?
Some days I feel up against the limitations of everyone else’s needs. People that are important to me—my family, my friends, the people who I have committed to leading at work. I have chosen into those relationships and I want them to be well-nourished. My mindfulness practice on those days is challenging. I’m tired, I’m battling emotions, I’m running late. There isn’t enough time, resources, or energy.
Other days I feel limitless, like the world wants me to live freely and flow. The lights turn green as I approach each traffic light, there is a parking spot right up front, a kind stranger walks me to my destination so I am not late and lost. I feel supported. I have energy, clarity, and a deep sense of trust that all will be well.
On the days when I’m in the flow, I remind myself to be grateful. This too shall pass. On the days when I struggle, I remind myself to be patient. This too shall pass.
My dance teacher once said to me, “How much dance space do you need to stay loving?” I never forgot that, and I have found that to be true in all places—space for myself, space in relationships. For some people, zero contact is the only way I can stay loving. For others it truly is a dance with small bits of contact to maintain the relationship, and then spins and steps back in between. And for some, at those right times, it’s full eye contact, total immersion. Tons of time dwelling in the loving space that heals us both.
Mastering the human experience is about pace and space, and it’s deeply about self-care. When I nourish myself first, a lot of struggle falls away because I can see clearly. I feel the river flowing and I am on its banks, watching and inspired. This week, that looked like getting bodywork, working out, going to yoga, seeing a spiritual teacher, and making a new friend. It looked like reworking my todo list and putting my own integration and healing above the requests of my children.
Last week it looked like spending an extra four hours every day doing college research for my daughter, knocking out errands, and going to sleep at 8:30pm.
What am I waiting for now? Yes, I am waiting for more love, more money, more creative play, more time to rest. And yet, when I am prioritizing healing and self-care, I’m okay with everything as it is. Finding presence and acceptance within the state of waiting is a spiritual practice. One of my favorite songs is The Middle by Jimmy Eat World.
Hey, don’t write yourself off yet
It’s only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on
Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don’t you worry what they tell themselves
When you’re away
It just takes some time
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright.
I find myself singing it in the car when I’m rushing to drop off my daughter at school and get back in time for a meeting. I sing it when I get tough news and feel my heart breaking. I hear the words when I am waiting for someone to show up more powerfully, waiting for an answer I don’t have, waiting to return to the flow where the lights turn green before I get there.
Little girl, you’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything’ll be just fine
Everything, everything’ll be alright, alright.
I wish you more love and patience, and more green lights.
